My Rant

I want so badly to write something beautiful
Some thing that is appealing to the eyes
And Sweet sounding to the ear

And yet my mind doesnt let me...

I do have a thought...
I often think about all thoes people out there...
The people who walk around school

The ones who have no one
The ones with empty hearts
The ones who look and look
For someone to love them
They serch with good intentions
But they soon grow tired
With no one to encourage them
With no one to fule them
They soon slip
And louse their morals
They slide into a feeling
An illusion
Of fake
Un-pure
Un-true
Love
They are suduced by the preditor
Because they are not strong
Because of the lack of warmth
Its like death taking over
To someone who has been dieing for so long
Death seems to be a friend
To take them away from the suffering
In the same way
To one who is being depribed of love
Any type of warmth
Even if its untrue
Feels like a friend

Thease poor
Lost
Lonley soals
They started off fine
But we destroy them
With our lack of attention!
With our lack of love!
Our selfish ways!
And greedy thoughts...
What have we become?
What happend to being immages of God?
Have we forgotten our jobs?!
We, believers in Christ are called
To love the unloved
To want the unwanted
To help the helpless
And guide the lost back to their home
Our home
His house
Our job
Is not hard
We are called to love...
With no conditions
We should not hate someone because they are gay
We should not disclude someone who is hurting
Because we do not want to put forth the effort
And time it takes to help them heal!
We shoud not cull out the stoners
Because they are unclean...
We should not turn on eachother
To build up our own prideful dreams

And yet we do...

Why?

Just

I feel like typing...
I feel like writing
I feel like reliefe
I feel bitterness..
Seeping into my veins
Yet i feel sadness...
I feel so strongly...
And so do many others
But many others feel the oppasite
People with power
Athority
People who are wize
People known for good judgment
Im torn
Wanting to defent a dear friend
And yet i find no good reason for defence
I feel anger
For something that does not seem rite
But He reminds me
To be mature
And respectful
He wispers to me
"Trust me, remember im in conrol. It will work out for the good...

It will work for my will, my plan, my ministry..."

Thats all i can say for sure...

Trust in Him

For his plan is highest

No matter how strongly you feel

Or what you think...

Relationships!

My attention was drawn to one thought this morning...
Relationships...
Im not sure why, but i was just thinking about the effort and time... the feelings, and passion, all of the things that must be contributed to carry out a healthy relaionship...

Friends:
Having a relationship with the people around you in a non "romantic" way...
I think having friends is a wonderful thing.... but even the smallest kind of relationship takes effort... having friends needs to be treated like a privlage...
To recieve your privlage, you have to act kindly tward it, treat it with respect... Friends need to be loved, and charished... cared for in the best way you can. You must do your best to meet your friends needs, and make sure to consider their feelings. You need to have passion and encourage their dreams and goals. You need to support them in their times of need, and rejoice with them when they succede. Friendship isnt all work thoe... Its quite rewarding... When you have a good, true, friend, all of the things that you pour out, will be returned to you...
That feeling motivates

Having friendship is like practice...
Practice for something more serious
Something that will come later in life

My understanding of a serious relationship...
A serious relation ship does take effort... much effort, much more than friendship. Not only do you have to support your partner, you have to have major trust in your partner because what ever choice they make may efect you. Good or bad... You have to have major support in you partner. People rely in eachother majorly. They bond, and need to have that succure feeling that you are behind them evry step of the way. A serious relationship takes so much, much more than i have writen (im a little ADD at the moment) but i can only imagine the wonderful feeling of joy and love that can come from a healthy working serious relationship...

And i may not want to wait to find someone... but i have to, because if you jump in too soon, things will go wrong... and you may brush them aside but in the end, all thoes little things will rize...
And that will be your un doing...

So I urge you, please, you may want to feel loved, by a boy friend or a girl friend... what ever you chose to call it... but wait... think about yourself for a moment. Analize your feelings and thoughts. Ask yourself "Will this be good for me now? Will this be good for the other person in the relationship? Am i redy, to commit, and not only be consirned with myself now?"
Really think about it.
And one day, when you are reay, your prince of princess will come
And you will be rewarded
With a diffrent
Most rewarding
Love

Randome

Im feelin a little crazy
A little thankful
A little idk lol

A Briefe Explinatin Of My Past Two Blogs

I am feeling a little bitter... idk if you could tell, from the past things i wrote today...
Im just typing this to make sure...
NO ONE WORRY
ok?
im fine, just having some mixed emotions
of biterness and hurt...
But im ok
I have a great family... who yes is just a little disfunctional... but they love me. they treat me like a princess, and althoe i complain about them sometimes, they really are good people. Mom treats me well, and feeds me, and all that good stuff moms are supposed to do...
my family is good...

Its just my friends i worry about...
Im starting to dought the word "Friends"

other wise im fine! ok! all good in the trailer park hood! yay

The Invisable

She walks up

Wipes her feet

Sighs

And opens the door

She pauses

Looks

And continues on

Knowing its anotherday of unfufilment

Knowing shes just going to be nocked down once again

It will be no diffrent than the rest of the days

The same old her

The same old treatment...

Sometimes she thinks they would be better with out her

Better if she just wasnt there...

She doesnt think of suiside

No

Gosh no

She knows how selffish that would be

And its not like things are that bad

No nothing could ever make her do that

She thinks of just leaving

To a diffrent group

Maybe just finding a new set of friends

Maybe dissapering from her old friends...

It would be so much easier on her...

And they wouldnt have to worry about her...

Its not like they notice her anyway...

It doesnt seem like it...

Its ok

She knows shes no longer important to them

She know they let her go awhile ago

Shes like a left over

She may have been good once

Evryone liked her

When she was new

And fresh

But now...

Shes been sitting for a while

Going ransid

And no one sees her

Behind all the other good things

Behind all the lovable

Fun

Joyfull people

Shes been forgotten

And shes come to except it

There has to be people out there

Like her

...

But where are they

She wonders sometimes...

If shes the only one...

She tells herself

"Maybe its just a rut... maybe they will start to notice me again..."

Maybe

She thinks

Just

Maybe

Well, its been a while...

Without love from them

With out the same conection she used to have with them...

Its been a long time

Since it faded away...

And she thinks all this as she sits there

At that table

Surrounded by people

Who dont even see her...

Who dont care

She could have burst into tears

And no one would have seen...

She know this

Because its hapend before

True

True

They didnt care...

So what would make them start...

Nothing...

Thats why... she has to leave

She has to break off

And be her own friend for a little while...

Be the only person who loves her

She has to be strong now

And make some new friends

Some people who will notice when shes gone

Some people who will see through her fake smile

Someone who will love her

And care

And want to see her...

Someone who knows her

And understands...

Someone who wont leave

Like evryone else has

Like evryone else...

Is there no one out there...

Who wont walk out on her?

Shes beginging to wonder...

Is she really that bad of a person...

What did she do!?

She has no idea...

And some how wants to believe she did nothing...

But how can she?

She is so confused...

Shes trying to find where it went wrong...

And yet she doesnt know...

So she returns

The the presnt

And looks up at al the uncaring people...

Talking

Laughing

Being happy

And she makes her choice...

Knowing she will v=never belong with them

She stands up...

And calmly,

Quiety

Walks away

With no intruptions

Or cries of her name

She walks

No one sees

And as she goes... farther

And farther

One tear falls...

And she is invisable

To the rest of them

That one invisable tear

Coming from that one invisable girl

Marks a new begining

Marks a new person...

Because she

Will never ever be the same

She will never ever trust the same

She will never love the same

She will never give like she once did

She will build walls

To keep out the hurt...

But they will also keep out the joy...

And the people who she thought loved her

Will be the same people who will destroy her...

Who have alredy destroied her

As she walks away...

She hopes

One day

Thoes people

Will see what they were missing...

Because she knows...

She isnt a bad person...

Shes just not wanted

And thats just fine

Soft Snow

The snow falls soft
Like the heart
Like feelings
And then it melts away
Snow is like a crush
Its there for a time and then its gone
Sometimes sooner than you want it to be
But other times it cant leave soon enuph
And you end up with a friged print on your soul

Then it becomes ice

Ice stays even longer
And then what does it turn to?
Its not just a little crush anymore
Is it?
Its just a little less traction...
Just a little more slipping
Tward what you dont want it to be
What you never wanted it to be
When you just wanted a friend
Just wanted someone to love you
Treat you nice
And this is how you ended up...
This is your undoing
Soon your hearts gunna break
Just like ice over a frozen pond
You'll fall through
And begin to drown in your own stupidity
Your own ignorence
Your hope
Of a relationship
That never could be
Or should be
Your gunna sink
To the bottum
Of all your mistakes
And you will wonder...
Why did this happen?
Why didnt i run while i could?
And you'll remember...
As you first began to slip
You'll remember wanting to run
Wanting to get out...
But you didnt
You just kept slipping
And slipping
And slipping...
And letting it go...
Because it felt good...
Didnt it?

Well, i want you to tell me how it feels now...
Well?
Not very good does it?
Ya
I see you down there
Your eyes
Dulling out now
Lousing their light...
Lousing hope
Of escapeing your own grave
I wont let you go...
I dont want you to...
Cuz who will i be...
Without you
I wont be myself...
I wont be joyfull
Social
I wont have anything to say
When someone asks me my name...
I wont be able to answer
Because the girl who was named
Well, she drown
And i let her go...
This is why i have to hold onto you...
Im sorry
For not helping you see...
Im sorry that your drowning...
And im gunna hold on to you
Oh yes,
With a grip...
But how am i gunna do this alone?
I cant,
I need help...
Please

Im lousing myself...

Sachin

This is kinda silly... and i liked the first version better... but this is a story i wrote in 8th grade as a writing project... enjoy lol (thanks to james for editing help! it made my grade better :D!)



im going to revise it more, and hope to make it much, much, better.

enjoy : )







Porcalin Skin






The noise came from the living room. Sachin walked from his messy room into the kitchen. He peered around the corner to see what made the ruckus. Nothing was out of place. The pillows were in perfect order, the T.V was off, and his mother’s porcelain doll set in its usual place in the dusty china cabinet.
“It was nothing,” he thought, “It was probably just my mind playing tricks on me again.”
Sachin was paranoid. Not just a little. A lot. He had always heard noises. When he did, he would just go sit with his mom and forget about it. This had been going on since he was 8 years old. He was now 15. But this time Sachin was alone. He went and sat in the living room, turned on the T.V, and tried to forget what he had heard. It was late at night, about 10 o’clock, and Sachin was exhausted. He had woke up at 11 that morning, ate two huge bowls full of fruity pebbles, watched T.V for a while, and then played with his cat named Copper. It had been a busy day, well he thought it was, and he was ready for a nap. The sleepy boy pulled down the afghan from the back of the once tidy couch, covered himself, and fell sound asleep. He suddenly woke. It was that noise again. He popped to his feet, andBenedict 2
looked around. Everything in order. Pillows, T.V, everything how it was left…
except the china cabinet. Its door was slightly ajar, and missing from the shelf was his mother’s pale skinned, red lipped, porcelain doll.“H-hel-lo?” Sachin managed to sputter. “Mom, mom!?” His mother was not home. The terrified boy looked around in horror. His mother was at a party, his father on a business trip. His sister miond wanderd to his sister…“The doll,” he said out loud, “Who moved the doll? Copper?"
"Doll's don't come alive. They can't. Right?!,” he thought.
Then a small voice rang out from the kitchen, “Yes Sachin, they can. All dolls are alive, and we watch you all the time, waiting. Do not be frightened, Sachin, it’s just me.”
Her voice was cold and shrill. It was twisted and had a slight twinge of sickness in it. The boy plugged his ears and collapsed on the ground.“This isn’t happening to me, it’s not happening!”“Yes it is, Sachin, and I’m not leaving.”“Get away from me!”“Do you want me to leave, Sachin?”“Yes! Go! Go!”
Sachin swung his large fist at the air. He couldn’t see the doll; he didn’t know where it was. He finally amounted the courage to open his eyes. He slowly took his fingers out of his ears. Sachin looked around. The doll was no were.Benedict 3
“Do not be afraid, Sachin, you can be with your sister now. She wasn’t that hard to get, and I suspect you won’t be either.”
His pupils dilated and his eyes widened.
“You can run, just like she did, Sachin, but like her, I will always find you.”Sachin scrambled to his feet, and sprinted to the master bed room. Tears of anger and terror rolled down his red face. He franticly searched to find a hiding place. His eyes fell on the closet. He crept inside. The door had been open so he entered and left it open. He curled into a ball, hid under a blanket, and watched the door. Sachin kept his eyes fixed in the entry way, and slowly, to his horror, a small 12 inch figure appeared in the door way. “I knew I would find you, Sachin.”“Shut up! Leave me alone!”“Why should I leave, Sachin, after all this is my house.”
Sachin reached behind his head, eyes never leaving the doll. He grabbed a shoe and chucked it at the silhouette in the door way. He missed. “Are you trying to hurt me Sachin!?” She hissed. Sachin felt behind his head for something else to throw, the fear and rage growing larger inside of him by the second. He found his father’s belt. He propelled the metal buckle toward the angry figure. Missed again.Sachin’s idea of living was becoming more, and more discouraged. He didn’t want to die like this. He thought about all of the things him and his sister had done together, before this doll came along. Before it murdered her. He thought
Benedict 4
about how much his mother and father wept at her funeral, and how much he wished Every was still there. He stood up, and grabbed a heavy wooden cloths hanger.
“I can’t wait to join you sister, but I’m not quite ready yet.” He wisped.
And with a loud scream he ran toward the doll. The hanger left his hand. Its hook chipped her perfect face she let out a nasty snarl. “You, you damaged my perfect skin. My flawless porc- “But before she could continue Sachin’s foot made contact with her head. The
doll flew backwards and bashed up against the bedroom wall. She shattered into
tiny pieces and her porcelain face lay broken on the rug. Sachin stood in shock. After a few moments he retreated back to the closet and sat in silence.
The front door. Something was coming in. Sachin could hear it. He stood up, grabbed a cloths hanger once more, and proceeded to the living room. He held his breath as the front door came into view. “Sachin, I’m home.” a sweet voice gently called. “Mom? Mom!”“Hi dear.”“Mom,” he said still shaking, “Come here.”
He took his mother’s hand and led her into the bedroom.
“My doll! Sachin! What happened to my doll!?”“Mom, it, well, it came alive! The doll wanted to kill me! Mom it wanted me to die!”
Benedict 5
“Sachin, dolls don’t come alive, they sit on their shelves and look pretty!”"That's what I thought, but it really did and it talked and walked. It said it killed Every!" Sachin said in exacerbation.
"Sachin,” she said in a low voice, “I know you miss your sister, I do too, but this is no way to handle that.”“BUT MO-” “No! No buts!” tears began to well up into her eyes. “Go to your room! Wait till your father gets home young man!”Sachin slowly drug his feet down the hall way to his room. He passed Every’s on his way. All of her things still in the place they where left. He sat with
his back propped up against the door in disbelief. He was tired. As he thought about what had gone on that day his eyes drooped and he quickly nodded off.He abruptly woke. It wasn’t touch or smell that had wakened him. It was sound. The sound of his name being called. And to his horror the voice was familiar. It was the same shrill, cold voice that he had encountered earlier. He remembered his sisters doll collection. It beaconed him.
“Sachin… I brought friends…”

Quotes

Thease are some of my faveorate quotes... i know i have shared thease before, but i still love them. The first ones are kinda wierd... but oh well :D

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.
Sometimes the person you really need is the one you didn’t think you wanted.
The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don’t love you back.
The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts.
And we are never, ever the same.
A best friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
If you love somebody, set them free.
If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it’s what you are expected to give — which is everything.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
However long the night, the dawn will break.
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.
You may be sorry that you spoke, sorry you stayed or went, sorry you won or lost, sorry so much was spent. But as you go through life, you’ll find - you’re never sorry you were kind.
I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom.
Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.
Why is it that when you miss someone so much that your heart is ready to disintegrate, you hear the saddest song on the radio?

i love this song...


"Welcome To My Life"
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleedingNo you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

My Friends

I love my friends... its as simple as that. I love them with my whole heart, and nothing will ever ever change that. I cant tell you how amazing they are... realy, im about the luckiest girl in the world. They love me, they put up with my spazy moments, they are there when i have a bad day... they love me for me... My friends motivate me. Some times i dont feel like getting up, but i remember who i get to see evryday at school, and i know i can get up with a smile on my face, evry day. Even thoe things are hard, espacialy now, i know i can always find comfort in them. I know that no matter how nasty and mean and harsh i can get, my friends will be there, and wont walk out on me. I know they love me, even if i cant feel it sometimes... i know. I want to be the best i can be for my friends. What they give to me, i have to give in return, equaly, and with as much thought as they gave. My friends are really the best in the world, and if you dought it, maybe you should get to know them...
Friends... you know who you all are ;)

For My "Dad"

Do you relly love me?
Do you relly care?
Do you ever notice me?
Gazed over in a stare?
Do you ever miss me?
When i am not around
I wish that you could see me...
I would hope that you'd be proud...

Im doing well in school
In case you wanted to know
But i guess Im not importand
You odviously dont think so
I shouldnt have to call you
You owe that to me
Im so sick and tired of you!
Your just a worthless dead beat!
You may have been there once
Not sober
Or drug free
But at least i got a hug
You are my daddy!
Why arent you around!?
Why do you stay away!?
What have i done wrong?!

O ya...

NOTHING

This is all your fault
You to scared to commit
Why cant you man up?
And love me like you did?

YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!
What am i to you!?
Just a piece of meat?
Not worth paying attention to?
Ok
But what ever you do
Leave me alone
Im nothing to you
You left my heart
Im pushing you away
Your ripping me appart
You will not stay
I called you father once
When you acted like one
But now your just a creture
And im done
Good bye "daddy"
You are gone...

My Father

This one is for God



Life is a lonley road
They only some of us walk alone
But when your by my side
I know I don't have to hide
Because your strong and in the light
I see your eyes
By and by
You'll never leave and i know why
Because you love me...


kinds scatter brained lol

A thought

This is not a poem
Its more of a thought
A feeling
A question
And it is this:

Why are people not content with what they have?
Why do they not appreciate the ones who love them most?
Why do they cheat in little ways?
Why do they keep secrets?

When one is so devoted
So loving
So depandant
And the other can destroy their life
In seconds
And not care

Why are people so selfish?

Your Loss

Chew me up
Get angry
Yell
I don't care
Just want to tell
There is something wrong
With her not you
It is a problem
But not so new

She walks around
Pulls them in
Forgetting you
Her focus on them
They trip on their feet
Entised by her eyes
She nudges them on and louses all ties
To you and your heart
Shes suddenly "single" when you are apart

Shes caught you in lies
Afraid to commit
To something so big
She is why you live
But she has a life
Two lives in fact
One includes you
The other
Too bad...
You fell on her path
And follow her still
But your road will end
Alone
Unfulfilled
So full of sorrow
Overcome with grief
I still don't understand
Why you don't get up and leave...

She doesn't deserve you
Not one bit at all
Shes used me before
A catch for her fall
And now it is you
Thoes big pretty eyes
Do not be fooled by her wiked descis
Please don't be blind
She'll break your heart
You'll crack and smudge
And soon fall apart

And i will help
with the pieces of your soul

But I'm trying to prevent it
So you may remain whole.

-Carly Ray